For parents. Not a student lesson. Pair with The Hidden Cost of Early Marriage if the freeze is yours.
CHAPTER SUMMARY
- What this is
A letter to parents whose son looks withdrawn, “asexual,” or done with dating — and who may be reading that as laziness or a phase.- The core claim
The courtship they knew (signals first, low-stakes circles, average men pairing in the wild) has thinned out. Apps raised the bar; clear green lights to average men got scarce; first chances often arrive against her longer history. Withdrawal can be a rational response to a stacked field, not a missing sex drive. The usual “solutions” — porn, paid sex, a companion in code — feel forced, not chosen.- What you should take from it
Do not confuse quiet with contentment. Do not confuse “he’s not interested” with a finished story. Understand the field before you lecture. If you can help, help him build (body, nerve, real-world rooms) and point him at the manual. If you cannot, at least stop calling the wound entitlement.- What this is not
It is not “your son is owed a girlfriend.” It is not a claim every quiet boy is a casualty of apps. It is not a script for you to run his dating life. It is not the course itself — that is for him.
If your son is struggling with relationships, spending a lot of time alone, showing little interest in dating, or claiming to be “asexual,” this letter may help you understand what he could be facing. Many parents have no idea how dramatically the dating world has changed for average young men today. The environment they are navigating is very different from the one we grew up in.
How Courtship Used to Work for Average People
Before dating apps, most average men and women paired up through real-life social circles — school, work, friends, church, neighbourhood, sports teams, etc. The process was gradual and relatively low-pressure:
- A woman would usually give subtle signals first (prolonged eye contact, smiling, laughing at his jokes even if they weren’t funny, playing with her hair, finding excuses to talk to him, turning her body toward him).
- Only after receiving those signals would the average man approach.
- He would then play it cool and slightly uninterested for a while. This created tension — women tend to want what they can’t easily have.
- Over repeated natural interactions, attraction would slowly build through a delicate game of push-pull and timing. It wasn’t perfect, but it gave most average men a realistic chance.
What Has Changed
That old system has largely broken down for average men.
Today, women rarely give those clear, low-risk signals to average men. Many have become colder, more guarded, distracted by phones, or simply indifferent. Dating apps have supercharged female selectivity, allowing women to focus heavily on the top 20% of men in looks, status, and charisma. As a result, the average young man is often invisible in the dating market. He can try approaching, but the risk of being labelled “creepy,” facing awkward rejection, or worse has become very high, while the reward is low.
This has created a large and growing cohort of young men (likely 30–40% or more in the 18–30 age range) who reach adulthood with little or no romantic or sexual experience. They fall behind early, and the gap becomes extremely difficult to close.
The Brutal Asymmetry
When these inexperienced men finally get a chance with a woman, they often face another harsh reality: she is almost always far more sexually experienced than he is. She has a mental benchmark from past partners. If he hesitates, doesn’t read her body perfectly, or can’t lead with confidence on the first few tries, her desire often collapses silently. She becomes less wet, less eager, less responsive — usually without saying a word. He feels the rejection in her body, and it destroys his confidence even further.
This “brutal asymmetry” is deeply unfair. The man is expected to lead expertly while competing against her past lovers in her mind. Many men never fully recover from these experiences.
The Forced Options and Health Risks
When these young men struggle, society’s common “solutions” are cold and transactional: “Just go to a prostitute and get it over with,” heavy porn use, or turning to AI girlfriends. These options feel forced rather than freely chosen. They are not romantic. They are not ideal. Paying for sex or forming deep emotional bonds with code can feel deeply degrading — a painful admission that the natural path to intimacy was closed to them. Many men describe it as hollow, shameful, and something they never fully recover from emotionally. It is not far removed from treating a man like livestock — a functional male who must solve his own sexual needs through commerce because he wasn’t deemed worthy of natural connection.
Compounding this is the sharp rise in sexually transmitted infections. A small group of highly active men (the top 20%) act as super-spreaders, having sex with a large number of women. This has driven up rates of herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis. For an inexperienced young man, this adds another serious health risk layer — whether he tries the “normal” route or a transactional one. Herpes, in particular, is incurable and very common.
The Quiet Male Withdrawal
Men don’t usually shout about this pain or organise protests. They quietly withdraw. They stop approaching. They stop investing serious effort. They opt out — whether through MGTOW, heavy disengagement, or minimal effort in the dating market. A man never forgets this kind of disrespect. Once he concludes “I will not allow myself to be treated this way anymore,” the door often stays shut for good.
Some higher-status or successful men are also beginning to show solidarity with their less fortunate brothers. They see the same broken dynamics and quietly support the withdrawal, even if they themselves are doing okay. It’s a form of “brothers in arms” — recognising that the system is unfair to average men as a group.
What This Means for Your Son
If your son seems withdrawn, claims to be “asexual,” spends a lot of time alone, or shows little interest in dating, he may not be lazy or entitled. He is likely responding rationally to a very difficult environment — one where the normal romantic path has been made extremely hard for average men, the replacement options feel degrading and risky, and society offers little understanding or support.
This is a real and growing issue affecting many young men today. Understanding the full picture — the missing signals, the experience gap, the brutal asymmetry, the forced transactional options, the health risks, the quiet male withdrawal, and the deep resentment that comes from feeling disrespected and dehumanised — is the first step toward real compassion and support for your son.
With care and honesty,
Jeff Box & Samantha Masters
(Writing this with care and honesty for every parent trying to understand and support their son in a dating world that has changed dramatically.)
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